Seeing Me
by Allons-yBadWolf
Summary: A short inspired by the Doctor's quote to Clara at the end of "Deep Breath". Just what does the Doctor think and feel after a regeneration? How does he deal with that fear of not being recognizable as the same man, to still be seen as the Doctor? All these questions kept pestering me...so I wrote them into this story. Hope you enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

_AN: This story involves my OC, Becca and I guess you could say an OC/AU Doctor. The Doctor I have envisioned here is my image of a future doctor...I'm thinking the regeneration after the current Doctor. The inspiration for this story came from the following quote from "Deep Breath"..._

Clara: "You shouldn't have been listening"

The Doctor: "I wasn't, I didn't need to. That was me talking. You can't see me, can you? You look at me and you can't see. Do you have any idea what that's like? I'm not on the phone…I'm right here, standing in front of you. Please just…just see me."

 _When reading this story keep the Doctor's words in mind and try to imagine how he felt and how Clara's rejection of his new self must have affected him. Imagine how he might have carried the memory (buried of course) of that moment throughout his 12th incarnation...clear up to the moment of his next one. That is where this story begins..._

* * *

The Doctor had been remembering the aftermath of his last regeneration and the reaction of his then companion. He'd been standing right in front of her and she looked right at him…through him. She had been one of the few he had trusted to see his regeneration, and more importantly the person who he had thought really knew him. To find out that she couldn't even see that he was the same person, just in a different body…oh how that rejection had hurt!

That was then…but he was here in the now, years later, at the cusp of regeneration again, and he didn't know what was going to happen to him. He was alone and, if he being honest, a bit scared. Regeneration was dodgy business at the best of times, things sometimes went...wrong in the process, and this was not the best of times he admitted to himself.

The Doctor's hands were already starting to glow ghostly golden and he knew he didn't have much time. Moving swiftly around the console, turning dials and flipping switches despite the increasing pain he was feeling, he _had_ to make sure that the TARDIS coordinates were set. This regeneration, he had a feeling, was going to be a rough one and he was sending the TARDIS to a particular place and time where he hoped he would be welcome. Just as he flipped the last lever to send the TARDIS hurtling into the time vortex, the first of many waves of pain doubled him over.

Through the vortex his TARDIS faithfully flew tumbling and spinning wildly. _Oh yes, this regeneration is going to be tricky,_ were his last thought as his current body was consumed by flares of bright golden energy. His awareness burned as the change occurred….he felt momentarily adrift, as if his consciousness was lost and floating away. He was blinded by the lack of any physical senses except the pain of transformation...

After a time the Doctor slowly awoke in his new body and tried to stand. _When had he collapsed to the TARDIS floor?_ As he heaved himself up, using the console for leverage, he checked for all the necessary body parts and was grateful to find them all in place. He realized with a bit of shock that he felt feverish, and still felt regeneration energy trapped within him. _Oh this was not good….could def-fin-itely be bad!_ As he slowly made his way out of the TARDIS, he could only hope he had successfully programmed the correct coordinates before his collapse. As he exited the TARDIS door unsteadily and closed it behind him, he was relieved that the sight in front of him looked familiar. An urgent and uneasy intuition propelled him onward as he continued towards his destination. He could feel the sweat beading on his brow, and from the looks he was getting from the few humans around him, he assumed he really didn't look very well either.

He was briefly terrified… _what if I'm wrong, what if she doesn't know me and sends me away…what then? You haven't seen her in years but now you need her to be there... what the worst happens and she doesn't know you? Doesn't recognize you with this new face?_ His previous companion had doubted him, though she had witnessed the change right before her eyes. _If one who had been there to witness regeneration with their own eyes had doubts- then how do you expect someone you haven't visited in years to know it is you? And why come back to this particular human?_ The fears tumbled through his mind. _Yet here is where your instincts are leading you…why?_

Despite his weakening strength he somehow he made it to his destination…the porch of a small green house situated on the outskirts of town. Thankfully the TARDIS had landed him close by. He gathered what courage and strength he had left and knocked on the door, and then he waited…


	2. Chapter 2

Becca had been washing dishes when she heard the knock on her door. _Funny_ , she thought, _I wasn't expecting anyone_. Drying her hands with a towel she walked to the door and opened it. There, standing on her front step was a man looking on the verge of collapse. Looking him over she knew she had never seen this man before, and yet...she felt like she knew him. If he were standing straight she guessed he would be tall, but it was hard to tell for sure as he was standing with shoulders bowed and weaving slightly where he stood. She could see sweat beading on his forehead and noticed that his hair looked damp as well.

"Hey there...are you okay…?" she started to ask him but her voice tapered off into silence as he raised his eyes to hers. The towel in her hands dropped unnoticed as she met eyes tinged with a slightly golden hue. Though physically different otherwise, the eyes that met hers contained a very familiar presence…Could it be…?

* * *

When the door opened and Becca appeared the Doctor felt a wave of relief course through his new body. He _was_ in the right place after all! As she looked him over and started to say something, he steeled himself against the likelihood that she wouldn't know him and slowly met her eyes. In that moment he felt his knees giving out and desperately grabbed the door frame for support. _Great, just great I show up after how many years; only to collapse at her doorstep…oh_ this _is going to be fun to try explaining._

To his surprise, she immediately ducked under his raised arm and led him inside the house. Part of him was aware she was speaking, but he was having a hard time focusing enough to hear what she was saying. He was unsettled by how much effort it was taking him to just stay upright and felt grateful for the support of her arm around his middle. He felt like he was burning up inside and that feeling was robbing him of his considerable mental faculties. This was NOT how he wanted this to go, he had so hoped he would have time to explain, but as it was he was just fighting to stay conscious.

* * *

Becca and the Doctor were just about to her spare bedroom when he lost consciousness. Becca, who had already been supporting half his weight, gamely maneuvered him until he was lying on the bed. She was positive that this man was the Doctor even if he hadn't spoken. Despite the physical changes the person she saw looking out from behind those eyes was the Doctor and she'd recognize _him_ anywhere. Before he had lost consciousness she had sensed some of the turmoil in his mind and was quite concerned as she observed him further. It was obvious that he was burning up with some type of fever. His face was pale and sweaty, and even as she stood there she noticed his body begin to tremble as if he was cold. Moments later a golden mist started to rise from him.

Quickly she grabbed the blanket hanging from the footboard of the bed and covered him with it. Then she left him long enough to get a few things…a bowl of cool water, a washcloth, another blanket and her thermometer. The Doctor was obviously in some sort of trouble and needed help. As she walked back in the room, she paused for a moment in awe as the realization hit her that of all the people and planets in the universe, he had shown up on her doorstep! _It didn't make sense...she hadn't heard from him in years…why come to her?_

Shaking her head of these thoughts, she took the stuff to the bedside table, and pulling a nearby chair closer to the bed, sat down. Grabbing the thermometer she quickly took his temperature…thankfully she used one that you put in the ear to get a reading. When the meter beeped indicating it was done, she saw his temperature was already almost 98.6 degrees. Becca frowned, remembering what he had told her about his normal body temperature being lower than that of a human's. Trying hard to remember everything she knew about The Doctor, there was one thing she was sure of: this was not a good situation. Soaking the washcloth in the cool water she immediately placed it across his forehead, she had to cool him down somehow. She didn't know what had happened to the Doctor or why he had come to her, but she was going to do all she could for him...that's what friends were for after all!

She stayed with him constantly, except for when she needed to get cooler water. She found herself watching fearfully as he seemed to get paler, his breath growing shallow and uneven. Observed the times when that strange golden mist left his body…hoping he would be okay but afraid to leave until he woke up. Hours passed with no change, and she found herself fighting off both worry and exhaustion…


	3. Chapter 3

Despite his condition the Doctor was still aware of the passage of time. He was also intermittently aware of things like the feeling of a cool cloth on his head, soothing hands and the comforting weight of the blankets surrounding him. Alternately he burn and froze as his body worked through the last of the regeneration process. A small part of his mind noted that he would have been in big trouble if this had been happening while he was alone in time and space. The TARDIS, while undoubtedly amazing, would not have been able to help him in this and linked as they were mentally she would have known something was wrong. Who knows _where_ they would have ended up or even _when_?

The regeneration energy finally dispersed from him, though not soon enough for the Doctor's way of thinking, and his new body stabilized. His mind cleared and he began to feel some strength returning. He also became aware that there was a feeling of extra weight across his arm and opening his eyes cautiously he was surprised to see that it was Becca.

Despite her best efforts to stay awake she had finally succumbed to exhaustion and appeared to be asleep. Some change in his breathing or position must have alarmed her because she snapped to alertness and looked him over. When she saw that his eyes were open and clear, her eyes widened and a relieved smile broke across her face.

"Doctor…?"

Hearing the relief and concern tingeing her voice, he immediately felt sorry to have caused her such obvious worry and stress. In an instant the Doctor decided he would make it up to her somehow…that is, once he had convinced her of who he was. How he was going to accomplish that he had no idea…last time he regenerated it had been right in front of his companion and yet she hadn't know who he was…how could he expect Becca to know him when she hadn't seen him since he had worn pinstripe suits and his long jacket…

Then it dawned on him! She _addressed me by name; she already knows who I am?!_ All his fears and concerns were washed away and a totally different feeling crashed over him. One he couldn't put a name to at first, though he was trying to. He tried to sit up and was grateful when Becca gently helped him and rearranged a pillow to support his new position.

"Doctor…are you okay?"

"Yes...," quickly clearing his throat "...yes I'm feeling much better now…" his voice was a bit hoarse at first but grew in strength. _Odd...even my own voice sounds strange to me now_. "How long have I been out?"

"Umm…I'm not sure exactly…maybe a day?"

A quick check with his internal awareness of time confirmed what she said…he'd been out for almost 24 hours! No wonder she looked exhausted, especially if she'd stayed with him the entire time! That unnamed feeling intensified and the Doctor was surprised to find his eyes misting slightly. _When was the last time he had felt safe and cared for? That without him having to take the lead, someone had known what was needed…he couldn't remember..._

"Have you been watching over me this whole time?" he asked trying to distract himself and keep her from seeing the emotion in his eyes.

"Yes", she replied simply, placing a comforting hand on his arm.

"You know who I am…" he couldn't quite bring himself to make it a question, but the wonder and uncertainty was clear to see.

"Of course..." Becca replied with calm assurance, "...you're the Doctor…I mean you look completely different and all, but I'm sure it's you…"

For a moment the Doctor sat thunderstruck as the realization hit him that not only had she _recognized_ him but she had done so without him uttering a single word. He sat still filling with conflicting emotions...gratitude, surprise, disbelief...the feeling that of _all_ the possibilities he had prepared for...the reality was so unexpected, so totally opposite...it left him feeling at a complete loss. Not wanting her to see, he quickly shifted so that he was sitting on the other side of the bed, and rubbed his face as he worked to regain his composure. He never shown such vulnerability to anyone...not in 2000 years.

A few moments passed before he heard movement and sensed Becca kneel in front of him. Hesitantly, she reached out and tried to gently tilt his face to where she could see him. He resisted her gentle attempts at first, still reluctant to show her his face...but then he stopped. She had _seen him_...really seen him, despite everything. To hide this from her after that seemed almost...uncouth somehow. As he drew in a deep breath, he lowered his hands away from his face…allowed her to see the naked emotion he had been hiding...emotions that he had been hiding from everyone for an aeon. When she saw, he heard her take a sharp, surprised breath.

"Doctor…what's wrong? Is there anything I can do…" she asked carefully, quietly; as if afraid he might bolt.

"Becca, that's just it…you've...you've already done so much…" the Doctor replied softly, continuing to let his emotions flow freely across his face.

Cocking her head to the side, she looked at him clearly puzzled. _Sure she'd taken care of him while he was obviously sick, but surely that didn't account for the emotion she saw on his face. The Doctor had saved her life and taken care of her the last time they met, why shouldn't she return the favor?_ She was about to say this out loud when the Doctor spoke again...

"You _saw_ me…" he said in wonderment, the emotion causing his eyes to turn an even deeper shade of amber gold.

Becca huffed in confusion, "Of course I _saw_ you, and how could I miss you standing there on my doorstep. Obviously you needed help; any decent person would do what I did."

The Doctor's eyes widened, _Was it possible? Could she really only think he was referring to taking care of him? Could she really not know what an amazing thing she had just done?_ It was admittedly a simple thing by some standards- but to him being recognized so soon after regeneration….no convincing, no explanations, no questions or distrustful looks…To the Doctor it was…well he had no words for it. The Doctor was afraid to ask but he just had to know.

"Becca…can I ask you something?" He asked tentatively.

"Of course" she replied, surprised that he would ask permission.

"You said you knew who I was… _how_ did you know?"

Becca almost replied with a dismissive remark, but something in the Doctor's eyes made her pause for a long moment and really consider her answer to his question. _How had she known this man was the Doctor?_ Yes, his face and appearance were vastly different, but she still had recognized him. There was just something about him…call it aura…call it presence…it was something recognizable to her as uniquely the Doctor, and meeting his eyes had only confirmed her impression _._ So she told him as much.

"Do you have a mirror?" he asked feeling to need to see what he looked like now. Nodding Becca stood and got one off her table and brought it to him.

The face he saw in the mirror was a chiseled face with normal sized ears and chin, surrounded by dark hair. That was all a relief to him…his eyes surprised him however; they were light brown, no he thought as the light hit them- they were golden brown, almost amber. He'd never seen himself with eyes this color before. He barely recognized himself….which made the fact that Becca had recognized him even more staggering. Putting down the mirror he looked at Becca, who calmly met his eyes and nodded. In the calm acceptance he found in her face, the Doctor's control broke and he found himself sobbing, his body rocking forward and back to ease the release of emotions that had been bottled up inside him for who knows how long.

As the Doctor broke down in front of her, Becca's instant response was to wrap her arms around him... and to her surprise he not only allowed the embrace but clung to her like she was a lifeline. As she moved to sit beside him she wondered at what had prompted such a response in him- but instinctively she sensed that he needed this release, and that this was something that had been building up for years. As Becca murmured soothing nonsense to him, the Doctor buried his face into her neck and hair. She didn't stop him but rather allowed him to purge all his pent up fears and pain.

Gently she surrounded him with a mental cocoon of warm and supportive energy- if he needed to breakdown, she was going to be sure _he_ was supported for a change. _He won't be left alone to deal with whatever is upsetting him…not while I have anything to say about it_ , she vowed to herself.


	4. Chapter 4

The Doctor had always carried heavy burdens hidden deep in his hearts; more than most people could even imagine dealing with. Yet while those same people might share their load with others, he had always chosen the more stoic route- to bear it alone. Years of habit kept him fighting against the sudden urge to pour everything out to this sympathetic woman beside him. Maybe someday he'd share...but not now.

Gradually the Doctor regained control and calmed himself. As he did, he became acutely aware that his head was buried in Becca's shoulder and neck…and of the soothing energy coming from her. She smelled like sunshine and the air after a summer storm…A small part of his rational brain was surprised by that observation. As his body ceased it's trembling, he started to pull away embarrassed. To his relief Becca allowed him to pull away, but he found himself a little dismayed when she moved to stand up.

"I'm going to put the kettle on…" the Doctor felt her weight leave the bed beside him. "I think we could both use some tea right about now," she announced softly as she was leaving the room.

Looking up in surprise at her sudden departure, he wondered if he had done something wrong. Sounds drifted to him of a kettle being filled with water and a stove burner coming on. Then he heard her rummaging around, presumably for mugs and tea. While he listened, he went through some mental exercises he often used to regain mental clarity. After he had gone through several exercises without Becca returning, he began to wonder if he should go check on her…maybe something really _was_ wrong...then he became aware of the soothing energy surrounding him and realized…Becca was intentionally taking a while to give him some time to compose himself! Smacking himself in the forehead, he shook his head and grinned wryly at his denseness.

"Doctor…do you take anything in your tea?" Becca called out to him, as if his insight was some kind of cue.

The Doctor thought for a moment…did he? After regenerating he was always having to rediscover his likes and dislikes….sometimes fun but more often than not he just found it strange. After all he was the same person; just in a new body...one would think that tastes wouldn't change…then again new taste buds and olfactory sensors would account for…

"Doctor…?"

Becca's second inquiry snapped his awareness back from his mental ruminations. "Just sugar thanks," he called back to her. Deciding he'd been sitting long enough, he stood up and walked out of the bedroom and towards the direction Becca's voice had originated from. He was delighted when he found himself in a small but organized kitchen.

Becca turn to him surprised, "I was going to bring the tea to you. You probably shouldn't be out of bed just yet," she scolded with a hint of amusement.

"I feel fine…fit as a fiddle," the Doctor said pretending to do some calisthenics.

Shaking her head and trying to suppress a grin, she held out a mug to him. "Well if you can pause a moment from your oh so impressive exercises…how about some tea?"

The Doctor accepted the cup from her and inhaled the wonderful aroma. "Smells fantastic…," he announced and took a sip. It tasted pretty fantastic too...full of tannin goodness. As the warmth of the tea spread throughout his body, he leaned against the table top thinking...Though this had been one of his hardest regenerations in a long time, he found that he felt completely rejuvenated in body and spirit.

 _She saw me...saw that despite all the physical changes I am and always will be the Doctor!_

* * *

AN: Can one ever really say "The End" when writing in the Doctor Who universe? I mean the story never really ends does it? We just drop in and out of his many adventures...always moving, always adventuring...always The Doctor.

I hope you enjoyed my attempt to depict what I think the Doctor must feel after a regeneration...sorry if it got a bit angsty, but I can't imagine it not being emotional and overwhelming to change like that. OH...If any of you were wondering how the Doctor knows Becca, I would humbly refer you to my other story "Saving the Doctor from Himself" for that particular adventure. Some shameless plugging there I know, LOL!

I love feedback so please feel free to leave some

Thanks for reading! :-)

***Disclaimer: I do not own "Doctor Who" or "The Doctor", they are copyright of BBC. I humbly endeavor only to play in their universe...Becca however is my own original character ***


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